Vipassana and Mental Health: Depression and Anxiety

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Usually when people talk about Vipassana, they talk about all the benefits they gain from the courses, how much better they feel, and how everyone should do it. But I want to talk about something a little more taboo: Vipassana and mental health.

The essense of the technique has you walk into your subconscious, removing sankaras and suffering. Due to the dangerous nature of Vipassana, it is not recommended for people who have panic attacks or PTSD.. Now, of course, that doesn't mean if you have panic attacks or PTSD you can't attend a Vipassana course. But you should be aware of the reality that your first course may be filled with horrible panic attacks and episodes.

I had three really bad panic attacks on my first course. The very second we started learning Vipassana I had a panic attack that lasted over two hours, which was the worst panic attack I had ever had. I just sat there, tears coming down my face, crying, while our teacher S.N. Goenka gave the Vipassana instructions. On later days as well, I had less intense panic attacks. But I could feel that I was attacking the anxiety in my brain.

Although inciting my panic attacks, the technique began to show me something. I realized that these panic attacks and anxiety are fabricated realities whereas Vipassana's mission is to about bring me down to reality. There's no imagination in Vipassana. So while you center and ground yourself into reality, you're fighting against the imagined reality your anxiety has created, the one where you feel like you're dying or being stabbed or the world is ending. Goenka calls these emotions unwelcome guests that have overstayed their welcome in your brain, making you a prisoner. Vipassana, through it forcing me into reality, directly attacked the anxiety guest, sparking the panic attacks, trying to kick anxiety out. I don't have PTSD, but I can only imagine that these courses would bring up difficult memories or incite episodes in a similar way.

During these episodes and panic attacks, you're stuck at the center, all alone, with no comforts, and you have to be able to walk yourself through them. You can’t talk to anyone, run to anyone, or even get food. It’s just you and the trees, baby. Make sure you are able to handle your panic attacks and episodes by yourself before you attend a course.

The good news is that after my first course, I never had a panic attack like that again. Almost instantly my panic attacks were cured. Even my generalized anxiety had floated away. It was like I was a whole new person, completely freed of the prison of anxiety I was held in. Sometimes you have to walk through the fire to get out the other side.

Of course, I’m not promising Vipassana will cure anyone’s anxiety or PTSD. But it’s extremely powerful and should be taken with caution.

Now, something that also isn't talked about very much is what happens after your course when it comes to your mental health. For me, I have sat three courses, and after each one I have fallen into a deep depression, which I never seem to be able to get out of without medication. Goenka doesn't speak about this at all. When he talks about people after the course, he only talks about the benefits, how great people feel, and how wonderful life is post-course. Because I was having such a difficult time, I felt like something must be wrong with me. That I was broken or doing the technique wrong. But I have been reassured by different assistant teachers that it's common for people to fall into depression after a course. Common enough that it's a trend, but still not talked enough for my liking.

Personally, I believe that Vipassana cut through my anxiety and hit all the emotions underneath which my anxiety was “protecting” me from feeling. So once the course was over, and I didn’t have anxiety anymore, all the feelings came shooting up, including a horrible dark depression. It felt like someone had broken my brain. I couldn’t think straight. I was in so much pain. I cried everywhere I went. I had horrible pain running up and down my legs. I became suicidal. And I didn’t know what was wrong with me.

The entire time I tried to do the technique but I simply couldn’t meditate. I felt like such a failure. Here I had discovered the thing that made me feel so good, the technique that had cured me from anxiety, the thing that will save me from all suffering, and I can’t use it to get out of this suffering. I couldn’t find anything online about this phenomenon so I reached out to a YouTuber who I knew had gone on a course and my assistant teacher. The YouTuber told me to stay equanimous and my assistant teacher said it sounds like I’m just struggling to get into the rhythm of daily practice. So not exactly helpful.

I was depressed. Severely depressed. I saw the world differently. My memory was shot. I tried to be patient but four plus years went by with horrible pain and agony. I eventually went on medication that had helped, but still, had not stopped what was going on.

Did Vipassana give me depression or did Vipassana expose my depression? Did I already have an underlying mental illness that just needed a kick to get started? Or did Vipassana create one? I can’t say. I can say that my family has quite an intense history of bad mental health so it’s most likely I was already predestined for this. It’s something I’m still actively battling.

Returning to the "real world" can be shocking for the system and you may not be ready for it. After 10 full days of a relaxing peaceful atmosphere where you are going deeper and deeper into your subconscious, and then to be thrown back into the hustle and bustle of our capitalist society can be a lot. You will also realize you can't reach the same levels of depth at home as you did on your course. You may fall into despair as you struggle to find peace with your new ways of viewing the world, and your old life you've been thrown back into. Now, this can happen to anyone, not just people with a history of depression. But recovery after the course, I think, is just as important as the self-compassion during the course.

So if you're someone who experiences lows, or maybe you don't experience lows, there is a chance that after your course, you'll fall into a depression. There's no way to predict it. You don't know when it’s going to hit or what is going to come up for you during the course.

Unfortunately, there's no way to prevent this. Of course, you can plan some easy things to do on Day 11, or maybe an extra week off of work if you're fortunate enough. But you'll only be thrown back into your busy life once you return whether you like it or not. These realizations you will have, some possibly manifesting as depression, are all a part of the journey.

This post is not to deter you from attending a Vipassana course, but simply to open the conversation and let people know what they're getting into. Goenka does not address these issues on the 10 Day course and if you feel that you may experience something similar, I would recommend speaking to your assistant teacher before the course starts and definitely before it ends.

It's best to enter a course with zero expectations. You have no idea what is going to happen. But these experiences have happened to me and could potentially happen to others and I believe people could deal with them better if they had a heads up.